This review is the expansion of some notes I jotted down about my evening on July 18th, 2013. The page was torn out of its original notebook and has been floating around my papers for the last 9 months. It's all torn and crumpled now, oil-stained from sitting amongst chip and pretzels on my desk, and I decided to finally lay it to rest by reviewing its contents.
I started writing this in mid-January but it was never much of a priority so I just lazily made sentences in between calls at work. I finally got around to finishing it one day when the Internet was down for the whole office so we had to wait around for a very long time for the problem to be fixed. As it turned out, the problem could not be fixed so we all had to go home early.
I watched the news and ate dinner alone in my room. My plans had been to meet up with KP, who at the time had only just recently gotten back in town from recording school in AZ, but he cancelled because he was still getting all his shit situated from the move.
Outside, the sky was red and purple and beautiful; a fire had been going on in Idyllwild for a few days and the early dusk reflected its burn. Looking through my blinds at the world, I decided to go outside and go on a walk before the sun went away and the day was done.
I never do anything anymore.
As I put my hands in my sweatshirt pockets and looked towards the trail ahead I was struck by a subtle yet painful feeling of loneliness. It didn't used to be like this, I didn't used to be the only person in my world. There were always people out and about, there was always life teeming in the neighborhood and now there's an odd silence everywhere. No one even walks their dogs anymore.
I walked past the street that connects my neighborhood to the elderly community and a memory from a decade prior came to mind, sitting on the curb in front of the frame of a house underneath a then-new streetlight by myself, waiting for something to happen. It seemed like these houses would never be finished, the construction stage of things would be never-ending. But I was wrong; everything is solid and done and lived in, and I am still just waiting for something to happen.
I have been here for too long.
I passed the remove-able posts that that keep trucks from trampling the trail (again, a phenomenon that used to be far more prevalent; people don't even try anymore) and began looking through the contacts in my phone. All the characters in my recent life listed at once, a scroll of increasing futility. Some of them are too far away geographically, some of them are too far away chronologically, and in both cases there is just nothing to really say. Our Internet personalities have unfortunately filled the role of keeping us rudimentally informed of each other's happenings; conversations that used to occur every now and again, just to say hi or mildly catch up, have grown (even more) superfluous and awkward. We already know how the other is doing.
In many cases it's been too long to meaningfully 'catch up' with these people over the phone, or to have reason to randomly meet up when we're in such different places now. Some of these names, the ones from college especially, I would suspect don't even have my number saved anymore so even if I were to contact them I'd have to explain who I was, our past friendship, that terribly depressing rigamarole of introducing yourself anew to someone who used to know you. No fun for anyone.
Of the few people who have remained fulltime friends, I already knew that the majority were currently at work. I tried calling David and Eric but neither of them picked up so I just put my phone back in my pocket and kept walking in silence.
After crossing Townview and going up the hill you can see the cul-de-sacs in their entirety - all the blue rectangle windows - a softly sad thought that's been following me around for some time now struck with full force: As much as I miss all the things that I used to do, I miss the things that I missed out on while doing whatever it was I had been doing even more. So many potential connections, avenues left unexplored and/or abandoned too early, all the missed opportunities. The phrase "I Don't Know What I Want" came to dominate my psyche, an
overriding, bleak confusion regarding Purpose, Drive; The Future. It's a
gut-turning feeling, one that wakes me up at night and silences my passion and confidence. It's all I can think about sometimes.
I reached the top of the stride where the trail ends and turns back into a chaparral hillside, and I looked over the sunset scene. The beautiful fire-sky had framed everything in its red hush, like a piercing noise that deafens everything into some broken-nose focus. With the shopping center below me, all I felt was that I wanted to leave.
The only thing I want is to get out of this place I am in.
On the street in between the supermarket and the smoke shop, a small modern car scooted towards the traffic light and somehow it transported me back a few years, driving around with Eric and Tayler when drinking was still fun. When vodka was only just beginning its tyranny. What happened?
"It was not that long ago, though it seems so now."
After standing by the milemarkers for too long, thinking about nothing, I recalled a time a few summers back when I came to this same spot with those two and we purveyed the same scene together. As we walked back to my house we basked in our own and each other's glory, talking about how great our individual circumstances were at that particular moment.We were all starting new fulltime jobs, our personal lives were all fairly steady, I was all stoked on my band's cassette coming out and what may lay ahead in that path. As friends we all still hung out regularly and everything appeared to be on a generally positive trajectory.
Walking home this evening was nothing like that. My life has all but completely disintegrated since then. All the comfort and satisfaction I had felt then is like a curse now, a painful memory of happiness that makes my current despair all the more acute.
"I'm trying to forget my favorite times."
I got a call from my old friend Ryan, who was living in the apartments next to my neighborhood at the time with a guy named Mike who I don't really get along with. He said that they were barbecuing some meat but that he was gonna go to bed after he ate and just wanted to see if I could spare a little 10sack. I told him I didn't have any weed on me but I would call him when I got back to my house , knowing fully well that I wouldn't call him when I got back to my house. I don't sell weed.
As I crossed the street back to the hill next to my house I glanced at the sign saying that the trail is "closed for repairs." I scoffed a silent scoff and kept walking. My cat Mikey was lingering next to the wall where the bushes are and he hastened away when I passed by until he realized it was me, at which point he casually sauntered behind me until I let him into the house. Once inside he ran to the garage door so he could get to his dry food and then run back outside, part of the constant in-and-out cycle that Mikey lives in.
When I got up to my room Alex finally returned my call but he was in the middle of a movie and I wanted to eat so we said that maybe we'll meet up in a bit. It was already 8:30 at that point, however, and I knew we wouldn't meet up. I should have known I wouldn't actually hang out with anyone before I even made my calls. I guess I just wanted to make the gesture so I could say - to myself - that I had put out some kind of effort. I think Alex was just doing the same thing.
I went onto Facebook and multiple people were posting things like "o my god look at the sky!"; "the sky looks so cool right now"; etc. so I went outside to see. Sure enough, the Idyllwild fire had turned the entire evening sky into a pulsing magenta caught in mid-swirl and radiating night heat onto the ground. I looked up for a little while and then went inside to sit in my room by myself.
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