PRODUCT REVIEW: Warheads Sour Chewy Cubes

   I bought these candies yesterday at the 76 gas station in the Promenade Mall circle. KP and I went in while en route to Gravity practice; I intended to get some iced tea but Pure Leaf was out of their "unsweetened" variety, and they are like the only tea brand who even offers such a variety. So I just grabbed a water and foolishly walked into the candy aisle, a place where I found myself weak and helpless against the forces of temptation. I quickly scanned the row of delicious treats, unable to decide what I wanted - looking carefully at the Laffy Taffy and then looking away, reminding myself that I already have Sour Patch Kids in my backpack, instinctively deciding against all things chocolate. I had consumed a PayDay only a fortnight previous so that was out of the question.
   I noticed that KP was already paying, and I've been trying to be slightly more mindful about my extreme lagging lately (although I don't think it shows whatsoever) so I just hurried up and grabbed the thing that was in my direct vision at the moment - Warheads Sour Chewy Cubes.

   In my mind, I expected "chewy" to represent a Starburst/Mamba-type texture, with the kind of high-level sourness that the Warheads brand is synonymous with. Sadly, however, both of these assumptions were wrong and the reality of these candies is something far less satisfying. The very moment I began chewing I was disappointed.
   First of all, the "chewiness" was not the quasi-taffy type that I had envisioned, but was of a softer and more easily-disintegrated texture that did not provide the same physical satisfaction. I know this is gonna sound like a nightmare to anyone who has even the slightest basic knowledge of dentistry, but I kinda like getting all that sticky shit stuck on my teeth.
   Secondly, the "sourness" is hardly there whatsoever. I mean, come on, this is supposed to be a Warheads product; I expected an almost upsetting level of sourness. I expected the sourness to come from within, not via a slight smattering of sour dust like a damn gummy worm. For shame.

   The best way to describe these terrible candies is that they're like gumdrops coated with an insultingly minimal amount of Sour Patch dust, and the end result is just as dismal as that sounds.

   I gave KP one and he was like "It's not that ba..." and then made the tell-tale face of disgust that will heretoforth be associated primarily with Warheads Sour Chewy Cubes.